"Ah, thank you."
I lifted the cup.
'It's warm...'
The warmth of the hot cup melted my cold body.
I enjoyed the warmth for a moment before bringing the cup to my lips to drink the cocoa.
But...
'Why is he looking at me like that?'
The way Aen was looking at me from the side of my head felt somehow intense.
His piercing gaze bothered me, but I pretended not to notice and drank my cocoa.
But...
After taking a sip of the cocoa, I looked down at the cup in surprise.
"It's delicious..."
After regaining my sense of taste, I felt the stimulation of flavors several times more intensely than others.
Bitter things were too bitter, and sweet things were too sweet. Cocoa is delicious, but it's so sweet that I sometimes hesitate while drinking it.
But the cocoa that Aen made was sweet, but not so sweet that it made my tongue curl. It was just right.
I've never had cocoa like this before...
When I looked at Aen in surprise, he scratched his cheek as if embarrassed and said,
"I thought Lady might have a sensitive palate."
"Ah..."
"I wanted to make cocoa that suited Lady's taste. But I'm not very good at that, so I kept failing..."
Aen's eyes deepened.
He smiled slightly and said,
"That kid gave me some advice. She said it would be just right if I added more plain milk."
"...That kid?"
"Cherish."
A strange name flowed from Aen's lips.
But I could immediately sense who that name belonged to.
"My daughter."
"..."
"She's a girl the same age as Lady, but her personality is the complete opposite. She's prickly and indifferent. But she's quite meticulous and smart."
Aen's voice was full of affection as he said that.
I could tell how much he loved her even without hearing it directly.
'Of course.'
Because they are parent and child. There must be a deep bond between them that no one can dare to cross.
'...Is that so?'
Is that bond there because they are parent and child?
If so, then I'll never know that kind of relationship.
'...I'm jealous.'
The emotions I had been suppressing were welling up inside me.
It was the same hidden emotion I had been desperately trying to ignore every time I saw Aen, every time Aen was kind, every time Aen was so precious.
A presence that I am aware of even if I cannot see it.
A presence that I do not know the name, face, or anything about, but I am jealous of...
That presence seemed to be standing in front of me through Aen's lips.
'Cherish...'
Even her name was very pretty.
I've never seen her, but I could tell how lovable she was even without seeing her.
Of course, she would be. She's Aen's daughter.
I stared down at the cup as I listened to Aen's voice.
Cocoa that Aen made himself for me.
It's not sweet, it's warm, and it's smooth. I wish I could keep drinking it, but somehow my throat felt tight and I couldn't swallow anything.
But I couldn't put it down completely, so I was just fiddling with the cup when...
"...Actually, I went to say hello."
I raised my head at the unexpected words.
Aen was still smiling, but his eyes looked very sad.
"Lady also knows, right? That kid has an incurable disease."
Nod.
I know. Because of that, Aen in the previous life met a miserable end even after death, and Aen in this life was tied to me as a master and disciple.
"If I could only cure that kid's disease, I would have done anything. I could have given up my life if I had to, and if I could have used others, I would have used them, and if I had to commit a sin, I would have gladly committed it."
Aen clasped his hands together as he spoke.
His fingers rubbed against his thumbnails restlessly.
His voice grew softer.
"I wanted to get the <Ayla's Codex> by any means to cure that kid's disease, but that..."
Aen raised his head.
He looked at me with trembling eyes.
A different emotion than when he was talking about 'Cherish' permeated his eyes.
What is that emotion?
It feels like affection, it feels like pity... I don't know.
I prided myself on knowing Aen's kindness better than anyone, but on the other hand, I only know Aen's kindness.
Humans cannot be made up of only kindness. They are a collection of more complex and difficult emotions...
Maybe I didn't know Aen well at all.
'Well,'
If you put it that way, Aen doesn't know me well either.
Aen doesn't know my true self, which is filled with desire and selfishness.
That's why he's so considerate of me.
He doesn't know that I approached him intentionally, that I tried to use his desperation, and, and...
'That I'm jealous of that kid.'
He would definitely hate me if he knew. He would definitely see me as a greedy child.
My hand tightened.
I tried not to let my heart be known and looked at Aen.
Aen took a deep breath and parted his lips again.
But the words that followed were unexpected.
"I told Cherish that I was sorry, that she shouldn't forgive me."
"Yes? What does that mean..."
An apology, why would Aen?
Aen smiled bitterly.
"Because I can no longer focus on treating her by any means necessary, like I used to."
"..."
"...At first, I was only going to use Lady."
Aen's eyes turned blurry.
His voice becomes infinitely heavy.
"I thought that if I used Lady to get the <Ayla's Codex>, that would be it. I didn't think about what would happen to Lady as a result. No, actually..."
"...Aen."
"I might have wanted to ignore it. Because if I thought about it deeply, I wouldn't be able to do anything. Because I might not be able to save that kid."
"..."
"That eventually pushed Lady to the edge."
It was a face that didn't look like Aen.
"At some point, Lady became so precious to me. I wanted to protect you, but I pushed Lady to the edge instead..."
Aen looked down at his hand with trembling eyes.
"Just thinking about that makes me want to kill myself."
His voice was rough and grating, barely coming out as if he were holding back a sob.
"That's... that's not the case."
I shook my head laboriously.
As Aen said, I threw myself into the <Ayla's Codex> even to the point of death in order to get it.
But if I think about it again, if I dig a little deeper to the source, it wasn't just an action for Aen.
It wasn't Aen who pushed me to the edge.
It was just because I wanted to. Because I wanted to put that book in his hands.
So, throwing myself into it was actually my greed.
But how can I say that?
"It's not because of the Captain, it's just that I... I just wanted to."
I didn't think I was bad at speaking.
But at this moment, I hated my lack of eloquence.
I feel like I could say it better. That it's not Aen's fault.
"I just-"
"I know what Lady is saying."
Aen stared at me quietly.
His orange eyes shone sadly.
"Lady is warm and fragile, so you must have acted with the intention of helping me. The subject of that heart is clearly Lady. But..."
The more I listened to Aen's words, the more I felt déjà vu.
"Lady's warmth for others sometimes threatens Lady herself."
Ah.
Only then did I realize the identity of the déjà vu.
"I never wanted to see my existence put Lady in danger again. That's why I tried to distance myself from Lady. Because if I don't cut it off first, Lady will hurt yourself again with that warmth."
It was similar to the feeling I had for Aen.
Aen's kindness pushed me to the edge, and my heart for Aen hurt Aen.
That's what makes Aen suffer.
"Not only the <Ayla's Codex>, but I'm so afraid that Lady will volunteer to sacrifice for me again in the future. So... so I tried to let go."
I felt like I knew what that abandonment was without hearing it.
Something more precious than life to Aen. Cherish...
"How can I take this? What did I do to Lady? How did Lady get this...? How can I..."
Aen's eyes, looking at the <Ayla's Codex> placed on the table, trembled aimlessly like a candle about to go out.
I stared at Aen endlessly, then carefully parted my lips.
"No."
Because I felt so sorry for Aen, who was being deceived by my appearance.
"I'm not like that. I'm actually..."
So, I had no choice but to reveal it.
"...I didn't get that for Aen."
My other side that I wanted to hide as long as possible.
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