I lowered my gaze.
I caressed the cup, which held a warm temperature. When this story ends, how will Aen look at me?
I was afraid that his gaze, which had always been warm, would turn cold at that moment, so I gripped the warmth of the cup instead.
"Saving <Ayla's Medical Book> wasn't just for you, Commander. Actually... I needed it."
"...Lady?"
"I thought that if I had it, I could become a valuable person to you, Commander."
I squeezed my eyes shut.
Revealing my inner self was more difficult than I thought.
It felt like peeling off layer by layer my true self, which I had tightly wrapped in plausible wrapping paper and hidden.
I wanted to shut my mouth even now.
I wanted to put forward only my efforts for him. I wanted to act only as the good child he knew.
But I couldn't do that. That would be too cruel to Aen. I couldn't let him continue to struggle in guilt.
"So I risked my life to save <Ayla's Medical Book>. Actually, really actually..."
Ah, it's scary.
I want to run away.
I want to shut my mouth tight...
"Unlike me, I was so envious of that loved child... So I was envious. I was so jealous that I even hoped I wouldn't find the book..."
I was afraid to look at Aen's face, so I lowered my head.
'It's the worst.'
It was the first time I had shown my inner thoughts to someone like this.
And my true self that I took out was so messed up, so ugly, and so ashamed that I wanted to run away right away.
If it weren't for the warmth of the cup that I was barely holding on to, I would have collapsed and ran away.
'Well.'
I've come this far, so what can I do by running away?
The blocked breath was released.
The strength in my neck was released, and a self-deprecating laugh came out.
It was practically giving up.
Since I've shown such an ugly nature, Aen won't see me in a good light anymore.
Our relationship will end here.
I lost my strength. I was so tired that I muttered weakly.
"So that's why. Not because of you, Commander... So what I want to say is, it's not your fault, so don't have unnecessary self-reproach-"
"Lady."
Flinch.
I trembled at the voice I heard.
His voice sank low.
"Look at me."
I shook my head.
I can't see you now.
I'm scared...
"Huh? I'm asking you to look at me."
But Aen didn't accept my refusal.
"Please."
"......"
I didn't even have the strength to refuse anymore.
I helplessly and laboriously raised my head to look at Aen.
That moment of raising my head felt like an eternity.
I'm afraid to see him after he's seen my true nature.
What kind of face will he have? What kind of eyes will he be looking at me with?
What is certain is that the usual affectionate gaze will no longer be there.
Thump. The moment my heart collapsed, I met Aen's eyes.
But...
"I'm sorry."
The angry face or disappointed face that I had vaguely imagined was not there.
There.
"I'm sorry."
There was Aen with a face that looked like he was about to cry.
Why? After seeing that side of me, why...
Aen slowly shook his head.
"You know, it's not your fault."
"......"
"It's natural for you to think that way because you're still young. It's natural."
"But......"
"Rather, the adults who made you feel insecure and I are at fault."
He said with a face that looked like he would shed tears if touched.
That's not it. He may see me as young, but I'm not actually young. I'm all grown up.
But. But...
"So don't torment yourself."
"......"
Why do I feel like crying so much?
I strained my eyes and barely looked at him.
I didn't understand all of Aen's words.
I feel like I understand it with my head, but I can't accept it with my heart.
I wanted to deny it. There were things I wanted to ask back. But in the end, the words I barely managed to utter in front of him were...
"...Don't you hate me?"
In the end, that's what it was.
Neither denial nor questioning nor acceptance was really important. What I feared the most. His rejection...
Aen, who was quietly looking at me, smiled.
"How could I hate you? When you're such a lovely lady."
"Ah......"
I didn't know what to say.
I felt dazed, relieved, and like I was about to cry...
This is... so different from what I expected.
So I didn't know how to deal with it.
I stared at him blankly and barely managed to say.
"Then, then."
"Huh?"
"Don't give up on this."
I held out <Ayla's Medical Book> that he had put down.
It was an action that didn't match the previous conversation, but I didn't want Aen to give up on this in any way.
This was also my true feeling.
Aen stared down at me blankly and then took a long breath.
Then he spread his arms and wrapped them around me in the air as if he was hugging me.
Although there was no contact at all, I was trapped in Aen's arms.
He muttered as if sighing.
"I keep saying it, but you're too kind."
"......"
I still don't think that's the case, but seeing Aen smiling as if relieved, my will to refute disappeared.
"Okay. I'll do as you wish. Above all, since you worked so hard to get it, I can't let it become useless."
Aen received <Ayla's Medical Book>.
"Thank you, Lady. Sincerely."
"I'm the one who's grateful."
I smiled sincerely.
What should I say...
'I feel relieved.'
It felt like something that was blocked was뻥뚫, or like things that had been piling up 막막 had disappeared, and I felt refreshed.
I felt like I had finally gotten closer to Aen.
'I'm glad I told him...'
The moment I revealed my true feelings was really scary and 막막 enough that I wanted to run away, but after going through that process, I couldn't feel more at ease.
I felt like I didn't have to act in front of Aen anymore.
It felt like I had easily jumped over the line drawn between him and me, and Aen had willingly accepted it.
I asked him.
"Then are you going back home?"
"I guess so. It's better to go as soon as possible. I happen to have taken a vacation, so I'm thinking of leaving tomorrow..."
Aen looked at me, trailing off.
I tilted my head, wondering if he had something to say. Aen cleared his throat and asked cautiously.
"Would you like to go with me, Lady, if you're okay with it?"
"Yes?"
My eyes widened at his unexpected words.
He scratched his cheek with a slightly embarrassed look and said.
"Well, when I told Cherish about you, she said she wanted to meet you. I said so. I said you're a really lovely, cute, and warm person."
"Ah......"
My face turned red for no reason.
"And I've been thinking about it all along, but I think it would be nice if you and Cherish became friends. You two have a lot in common, you're the same age, and you're the same gender..."
"Hmm."
"I think you could be good friends... Would that be too much to ask? Then you can refuse! Do whatever you want. I'm really okay with it."
Aen waved his hands wildly, perhaps trying not to put pressure on me.
To be honest...
'It's a burden.'
Just like when Aiden said he wanted to be 'friends' before.
I still found the existence of 'friends' difficult. I don't even know what a friend is in the first place.
'Would that child like me even if she actually saw me?'
Aen has a boastful side, so I knew he would exaggerate me without seeing me.
'I think she'd be disappointed if she saw me in person.'
If it had been before, I probably... would have refused.
But now I felt a little different.
'Maybe we can get along...'
Having made a decision, I said to Aen, who had a nervous expression.
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